Here are two samples of the type of feedback you will receive:

1) Title: Love-n-Jets - Drama

The script began on a promising note. I found myself very drawn in to the dialogue between the two primary male characters, Michael and Jimmy. I thought that the writer created a very authentic and engaging repartee between the two friends. The way they related to each other with an equal amount of loyalty and teasing felt exactly like I’d imagine two best friends in the military might engage with each other. A great example of the funny, light banter is the conversation the two men have on page 8, as follows:

Jimmy: And of course we have that officer and a gentleman ‘honor’ thing…
Michael: Of course. On her, off her – whatever.
Jimmy: Can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Michael: Well, I’ve always been a pie man, myself…

I thought this was a great bit, and was indicative of the rest of the dialogue between the two men throughout the first act.

Unfortunately, much of the rest of the script never quite gelled for me. I thought that the writer chose an interesting focus in this script, and definitely committed to that focus only. The “love” in the title vastly overtook the “jets.” It felt more like “Love. Oh, and yeah, I guess they sort of fly, too.” In a more serious vein, the love story didn’t feel deep and meaningful enough to overshadow a potentially more interesting plot angle involving Michael and Jimmy’s desire to make it as test pilots. With test piloting comes danger, action, and suspense. With low-conflict romance comes…well…not much. The writer should work to have one underscore the other in a more consistent manner, and not just come into play as a conflict of interest in the end when Michael must choose between his career dream and his love. The story outside the romance should be thicker, weightier, and have higher stakes. In many ways, the writer kind of shoots him/herself in the foot by mentioning Top Gun. Whereas, I understand that the nod to an obvious thematic predecessor is a little obligatory, what it does for me is reminds me of all the ways that film succeeded where this script did not. The success of that film was that it was equal parts buddy picture and romance. Maverick and Goose had a bromance that bordered on the legendary – and they developed this in an environment where possible death lurked at every banked turn. When tragedy hit, the romance angle of the film took a direct hit. The stakes in this script aren’t high enough for the audience to truly engage in the story. And, though I know that this script isn’t Top Gun and probably isn’t trying to be, it isn’t different enough to escape that film’s long shadow – especially when the writer all but points a neon arrow to the comparison.

There are a few obvious fixes I can think of to suggest to the writer to help move this script in the right direction. One of those is that I felt Anna’s fiancée should have been physically present in the script. Though she is engaged, and this is supposed to be the initial stumbling block in her and Michael’s relationship, the absence of David onscreen weakens the feeling of the emotional conflict. If we had met David, and we realized that Anna was sneaking around behind the back of someone whose presence was constant, we might understand the dilemma on a more visceral level. When he finally does show up, it lacks the feeling of a truly climactic moment. Even more so, it doesn’t even cause any trouble for Anna and Michael. He simply shakes Michael’s hand and bows out gracefully. Not only does that seem pretty fantastical, but it isn’t exciting.

Another area that the writer can concentrate on improving in future rewrites is the pacing of the script. All too often, something happens that should be a major turning point, but the writer doesn’t give the reader enough time to let the gravity of this event sink in, nor the characters enough time to react to the even appropriately. For instance, when Anna catches Michael making out in the ladies room with another woman, she leaves him. A mere couple of pages later, he’s apologizing and all is forgiven. Even though the writer indicates that there has been a decent passage of time, the reader and subsequently the potential viewer of this story will still only have about 45 seconds to feel worried about the fate of the relationship before all is well again. This just isn’t enough to make us feel anything about the situation at all. The quick jumps between conflict and resolution eliminate the feeling of emotional struggle and eradicate the tension. With no high and low emotional points, the script feels tepid and limp, which is the last thing the writer wants.

2) Title: God’s Assassin - Thriller/Horror

The writer has cut a wide swath across some lesser known Biblical events in order to create a basis for the action in this script. He/She has taken the story of Lilith – Adam’s cast out first wife in Eden – and incorporated with it many myths and legends from the ancient Egyptians. What results is part sweeping mythological hybrid, part Saharan action flick, and part medical thriller. If that sounds like a mouthful, that’s because at times it definitely can be. At other times, it works surprisingly well. For the latter, I found the scenes explaining the origin of Seth and Horus as the children of Lilith to be the most compelling. As I said above, the Biblical fate of Lilith is a tale less often told than the story of Adam and Eve. I believe that many are unfamiliar with the fact that Adam originally had a different mate. The writer approaches this story in an unflinching manner, not shying away from casting God himself in an often vengeful and non-quite-positive light. I thought this was bold, but worked well in this script. God’s motives are mysterious, and it is known by the reader that he can always play a trump card at any time. Lilith’s exile from Eden shows us early that God is not one who likes to be defied. So, when Horus decides to try and cheat him of his plan by saving Joshua, it is not surprising that he is angry.

There were also some pretty cool creatures and opportunities for some spectacular effects. I really liked the idea of the wax figures that were built to come to life as Seth’s minions. I also thought that Ialdaboath and his sand brethren would be visually awesome to behold. There was definitely, however, a reservation that I had with these epic effects – they would be terrifically expensive to produce. I couldn’t help but think of films like those in The Mummy franchise, whose budgets were designed for blockbusters. Looking at this script, I can’t help but think that the number of effects that would be required to pull off the visuals indicated by the writer would require a similar budget, but the action doesn’t really support a blockbuster-level film. While I thought the script had some really interesting concepts, and sounded like it would be pretty stunning to behold, I also didn’t feel the thrill of breakneck action that would draw flocks of eager summer filmgoers. Until the end of the story, there is not a whole lot of time spent in nail-biting action and narrow escapes. It’s not quite enough to have amazing creatures populating the screen – those creatures have to be actively either posing a threat or helping Horus against a threat. For instance, when Horus goes to rescue Ishtar from the sand demon, the demon appears in the guise of Lilith. When Horus realizes that he is being tricked, he immediately kills the demon – no muss, no fuss. This is the perfect opportunity for the writer to insert some serious battle action! I would have loved to have seen a fight to the death here.

Finally, through the whole script I was waiting for an explanation of how Horus got involved with Joshua in the first place. For thousands of years, he’s supposedly been an assassin for God. Why is he now, after all that time, drawn to protect this one boy? Why is he living with them? How did he meet them? None of these questions were ever answered. Without a reason for Horus’ concern, it’s difficult to really feel the burning desire to see Joshua saved. It seems a simple enough thing to add something explaining Horus’ ties to this family. The Tay-Sachs explanation is very creative, but it doesn’t explain the initial ties between the living characters.